Baby chronicles

Dear Inspirations, 

Today I write from a soft place in my heart. I'm 25 weeks pregnant! Yup! That's what I said. Lol. In the beginning I was hoping that this was some type of prank. You ever have moments when you feel like your on Punk'd? Well that's how I initially felt. 

The news hit me about two weeks before my 26 birthday. I had plans of turning up. I mean I wasn't planning a huge party or anything, but I had plans to forget my name for my birthday. (Ok may be not all of that). Anywho there I was 6 pregnancy sticks later still thinking, what a sick joke this was. 

I think sharing it with my fiancé and friends made it all sorta surreal. The thing that sealed the deal was that first doctors visit. They wanted to know how I was feeling and why did I think I was pregnant. I was tired, but I'm always tired you know. 

So, in the doctors room we waited.  I was scared like a 12 year old getting ready for a high school physical in the gym behind that little curtain. 

I wanted to know if it was really true.. Me a mom? No way? How? When? Now? The emotions I felt were so crazy. 

Welp, "looks like your about 10 weeks pregnant" he was saying more but I think I mentally left the room. 

I could have fainted because now it was really real. I was really pregnant. I sat there with Addy and we laughed. I was laughing to keep from crying. He was probably laughing because he was happy. Now don't get me wrong kids are a true blessing and I've always pictured myself being a mom one day.

You know I saw my kids running in the back yard and me being a PTO mom but I never saw me actually carrying the kid in my stomach.  You know I saw my house and white fence and my account on overload (currently far from it). I saw this though. 

Call me crazy but I saw my life in snippets all the time and it never crossed my mind that I would be wobbling around. 

Coincidently, it seems like everyone around me is pregnant my best friend, my old roommate in Maryland, all of my fb friends, and my grad school buddy. It's in the water they said. I wasn't drinking water sooo how did this happen? 

We all know. Moving on. 

I was scared to tell people what would they think? She not married. I was two semester away from my Masters degree. 

Humph.. There's more i'm sure they probably said but I'll never know. 

I feel like I conquered so much in 26 years, but I never knew I would be someone's mom. 

25 weeks later I know that I'm not on Punk'd. 

About 5 years ago I secretly decided that whatever God has for me is literally for me. I accepted that.  So how could I not walk in his purpose of being a mom?  

I just hope I can be a good mom. 

I just hope my kid doesn't make me go crazy with the many first we will have. 

I pray that I'm still able to do all of the things on my list. Like change the world. 

This blog is for me. For me to remember how I felt. I cry sometimes. I laugh sometimes. I'm in pain often. I hate the sight of stairs. I'm out of breath sometimes.  Those bathroom trips are about to kill me. My baby kicks me like he's angry. I need a new back. Some days are really tough but...

I'm ok with that. 

I'm embracing it. 

I love the woman I'm becoming. 

I'm going to be someones mom. 

Love Jasmine P. 

Chapter 2 of 12

Dear inspirations, 

I started out with the plan of being a travel blogger. I was going to document my adventures and share my sights right here. 

Well I don't know if you notice but I haven't been traveling. Partially because life has kind of took over. Don't get my wrong I'm enjoying the ride but I feel bad that my original purpose isn't being fufilled. 

I'm in debate daily about if I'm going to continue writing or if my life is even as interesting. As I type these lines It's kind of weird to even think that might life was ever interesting. 

Have you ever been disappointed with yourself because your original plan failed? Well that's how it's been for me. I've had all these great plans and it's not that they really failed it's more of their just taking longer than I mapped out in my brain. 

That happens. 

Today I write to honestly share my truth. My only truth is that I've been procrastinating, lazy and slightly busy but busy with what? I'll just say life. 

I want to do better. I will do better. 

My life isn't to interesting, but I still like to be able to read it back and smile from my growth through words. So here's to chapter 2 of 12. 

Thank you to Shadana for inspiring me. 

Love, DearJasmineP 

Transparent.

You ever have a moment when things are really just all over the place? But in the midst of the storm  you feel calm. You feel like God is in control and even though you want to panic you can't. I'm one of those people that preach about faith and not to worry. 

If you allow me to be transparent I'll be honest and say I worry more than most. I lose hope and often I feel like I'm fighting so many battles. In reality we are all fighting battles some worse than others.

 The people around the world that are battling cancer. There are so many struggling to even put food on their tables. I'm so grateful not to be experiencing those struggles. 

It's times like this one that I am able to reflect and just thank God for his graciousness and his mercy. Even in the midst of all of my trials I know that he is still blessing me. He still gives me favor in many situations. 

Today I write just to remind myself of where I am in life. I want to remind myself of how things could be worse. I want to remind myself that In my deepest times that I am not alone. 

I'll pray.

I'll wait. 

I'll trust. 

Summer Ends with a Prayer

Dear God,

Today I ask that you heal my broken heart.
Turn my situation around.
I know there are many of things that I ask you for.

I know that all summer I've tried to keep the faith.
I tried to hold on to the rope that bruised my hand.
I put all my trust in you.

I have tried so hard to remain positive with all of the things happening around me.

I have cried so many times. I am sorry for questioning your work in my life.

I am sorry for doubting the things that you are capable of doing.

My faith has been wavering and I  have been selfish to think that you haven't heard my cry.

God please help me to be in a better state.
God change my attitude.
God make me over.
God give me the strength to fight all of my battles.

I know it is you that speaks and moves mountains on my behalf.

God forgive me for my evil thoughts and any ways that are not like you.

In Jesus name.

The fish bowl

Dear Inspirations,  

I feel forced to think of my life as a huge bowl. 

A bowl in which I'm inside of trying to get out of. 

I've been forced to find myself sinking in this imaginary bowl or sometimes soaking like a fish. 

I saw people climbing out of my exact bowl. I saw people getting in my fish bowl too. 

I knew I wanted to be out of it. 

I knew I needed to be on the outside of this bowl. 

I could hear the voices saying "just keep swimming". 

My fins were tired. 

My heart was to small to continue. 

I knew if I gave up now there would be no story to tell. 

There would be no one that could tell my story like I would.

I was in the bowl trying to get out.

No one to rescue me but me. 

She kept swimming. 

One day she got out. 

Love 

Jasmine P.

The wait

Dear Inspirations, 

She was tired of waiting in the wing.

She was tired of being the one unseen. 

You ever thought about just taking all you had and just running with it? 

Yea me either. 

She wanted to do something different. 

She wanted to be in another light. 

You ever thought about just forgetting your morals and values? 

You know saying yes to everything you once said "I'll never do that". 

 Yea, me either. 

She wanted to feel the passion behind waking up and clocking in at 8. 

She wanted those beach vacations. 

You ever thought about all the possible ways to make it? 

You ever wished that silver spoon existed for you? 

Yea me either. 

She wanted more. 

She wanted to make a difference. 

You ever found yourself in deep thought about everything? 

You ever said "I'm ok" knowing you weren't? 

She wanted to repeat over and over that she wasn't drowning. 

She wanted to be her own lifeguard. 

She rehearsed it and it sounded believable. 

I'm fine. I'll be ok. Yea I know. 

Help is on the way. Better days are ahead. She heard it all. 

Yet she waited in the wings. 

Yes she waited unseen. 

That person is me and the answer to those questions are yes. 

Love Jasmine P. 

#Dearwoman

Dear Inspirations,

Last night, I had the pleasure of being a Queen in a room full of Queens. I had on my invisible crown, dressed in all black, ruby woo (for lips)  and curls for the pics!  I was truly happy to be apart of  the
 #Justwordstour it was moving and inspirational.

 The four poets were:

 Perry “Vision” DiVirgilio (@Visionpoet)

 Michael E. Reid (@justmike_) 

Jamarr Hall (@jamarrhall) and A.J McQueen (@ajmcqueen)

 

  At first I wasn't going to go because of the "tropical storm Bill", but I am so glad I was able to make it. I was really surprised that they didn't cancel. You know how some people are about canceling. (Oh
 look it's 30% chance of rain #CANCEL). They made it so I got out in the weather as well. I had already been stalking Mike via instagram and twitter asking him to come to Houston for months.

 The entire night I sat there wrapping  my mind around words that uplifted me as a woman. 

This was my first time meeting all of them in person and it won't be my last.
 After reading Michaels  book #Dearwoman for the first time I felt empowered by a man other than family to be a better woman.

 For the first time in my life I felt it was okay to be pretty, smart, bold, beautiful, and sexy without it truly being a problem for a man. I use to think that I had to dumb it down a little, because no man would ever want to be with someone who is  "ALL OF THAT"

 I use to meet guys all the time and I never wanted to seem extremely smart or share that I have plans of being the next Oprah.

Most of the time I would meet guys hoping that they would  see how amazing I was and not just an object. Dearwoman is so relatable to the girl that I use to be. It touched me on many ways that I can't even begin to share if you haven't read the book.

 After reading Dearwoman I know that those so call men were just boys and they couldn't handle my crown. In the words of Mike "I needed bigger hands to carry it"

They couldn't handle all of the woman that I was in the process of becoming.

 I love Dearwoman so much because its real. It's not one of those books that words are forced on the page by some printing company. It's honest poetry.

Last night made me remember how much I love poetry and art. They were all equally great and I feel like as a woman I should be walking in my purpose to inspire people as well. Last night added fuel to my fire and it made me want to be better at everything.

I know your probably thinking well "Did it really take four strange men to make you want to be better?" No, it was more than just that.

Sometimes you just need to be in a room full of Queens.

Sometimes you just need to see something new.

 Sometimes you just need a tiny reminder that you are a Queen.

Sometimes you just need to know that someone feels just like you.

Sometimes you just need to believe in yourself.

No matter what it is or how I do it I know that I need to do it.

Mike shared that this is his purpose and I truly believe it and I could feel it at the same time. I will forever love how he touched my life with just words on a page.

Thank you to Chaniqua who was ready to risk it all in the weather with me to be my date at the show! (I LOVE YOU)

Thank you to Visionpoet for his ability to make me laugh and want to cry in the same breath. (YASS)

Thank you to AJ McQueen for your truth and words that made me and the people at my table tear up.

Thank you to Jamarr Hall for being a multi- talented guy. Your voice is amazing and for  sharing your situation (ships).

Last, but not least..

Thank you Mike for sharing your story with us on how you got started. Thank you for giving Queens a book that we can truly relate to. Thank you for being that voice for women that are in those situations that your write about. Thank you for helping us walk away. Thank you for letting us know to "never to take the jewels off of our crown"

Pictures from #Dearwomantour

 

 The lighting tried to sabotage our picture, but we still made it happen. (This means so much)

 

Views from my snapchat

 Sanerica Davis and AJ Mcqueen

 

 Mike handed out a few books and he even signed them at the end! (THANKS)

 

 From right to left VisionPoet, Me and Chaniqua

 

 From right to left  Jamarr Hall, Chaniqua, and I discussing the selfie stick.

 Two queens sharing a selfie.

Inspirations this blog was to remind you all to walk in your purpose.

To pick up a book that you haven't finished.

It was also a reminder for me to believe that anything is truly possible.

Love Jasmine P.